A Mess
by Inmydreams81
Summary: A story about life when the grass is always greener on the other side, or so it seems.  Full of angst, regret, love, friendship and lust - lots of lust!
1. Chapter 1

**My Life**

**Chapter One**

_Saving Grace_

**BPOV**

You know what? Sometimes life just isn't fair. Things are sent to test us, test our will, our values, our promises, our existence.

From an outsider's point of view, I have a fantastic life, well, normal at least. Edward and I are happily married, we have our beautiful daughter Renesmee, a comfortable home and wonderful friends and family.

From the inside, only I know the truth.

I live in this existence, literally, that's all I do. I take care of our daughter, go to work, come home, spend time with my family, pass the evening away how ever I can while Renesmee sleeps and then I live the next day as I did the last. I crave the sleep I used to have when I was human, even the nightmares, because lets face it, at least they provided a sense of excitement.

Before we were married, before he changed me, Edward and I were so in love. Our days were filled with anticipation and fun and our nights were full of that teenage angst. Will we kiss, will he hold my hand, and does he want me? Those wonderful questions that sent electricity through my body, and heat through my veins. We were so in love. The only thing that mattered was that we were together, we loved each other and that soon we would be married and bound to one another for eternity.

Our honeymoon on Isle Esme was phenomenal; I couldn't have imagined anything more beautiful, more luxurious or more lustrous than what we experienced together then. Edward wanted me, more than anything else in the world. He was so proud to be my husband and so thankful that I accepted his proposal so we could do things the 'right way'. My constant requests and not so subtle hints for him to give me one last human experience before he changed me were realised on Isle Esme. It wasn't that he didn't want to, he was afraid that his strength would overpower me in the moment and that he would injure me, or worse, kill me.

It was the opposite. That moment brought me to life and brought happiness to Edwards' soul. I have the memory of that evening forever etched into my mind. In fact, it is that very memory that keeps me going these days. I use it to remind myself of the love, happiness and lust that we used to have for one another. My days, and nights, would be dull without it.

It was our first evening on the Island. We were both so nervous, although neither would admit our anxiety to the other. It was humid so we were a little sweaty from our long boat ride from the mainland. Like a gentleman he showed me where the bathroom was so that I could freshen up. I undressed and had a cool shower, mostly to calm my nerves. Looking back, I'm not sure why I was so nervous, there was no guarantee that the first night would be _the_ night. Human intuition perhaps?

When I finished in the bathroom I wrapped a towel around me, opened the door to the bedroom to find my suitcase opened on the bed. So thoughtful of Edward, he always was, but I was slightly mortified with the realisation that Alice had packed for me and her taste was, well much more eccentric than mine. With great relief I found my jeans and a dark blue blouse on top, but upon digging a little deeper found the only nightwear items were lace, black and see through. _"Alice, you are killing me…"_

It was far too muggy to put my jeans on, but the lace? I dug a little deeper and found a tank top and shorts, what a relief. When I was dressed I turned to leave the bedroom and caught a glimpse of Edward outside the window on the beach. He was luminescent in the light of the moon, the diamonds on his pale skin were sparkling, and he was breathtaking. I took a quick look at myself in the mirror, pulled at my hair, pinched my cheeks to give them some colour and turned thinking to myself that this would just have to do.

The grains of sand felt smooth between my toes, it felt as though the sea air was cleansing my body as I breathed it in. Edward was in the water now, with only his torso exposed. I slipped off my shorts and dipped my toe in the sea to test the temperature. Against the heat of the air, the water was cool and very inviting. I tried to approach Edward slowly so that I could surprise him. Trying to fool him was always done in vain though, it couldn't be done.

"Bella, do you feel better after your shower?" he asked as he turned to face me. As usual he was perfection standing before me, like an angel. I lost my train of thought when I saw the carved features of his face and his dishevelled but drool worthy hair.

"Yes, thanks. Thank you for leaving my suitcase out for me, but did you have to open it? Did you see what Alice packed for me? I will never let her organise my things again!"

He had a deep, raspy chuckle, also intoxicating. Once he finished laughing at me, he lifted his hand to my cheek and brushed his fingers against my skin. Instantly I felt a rush of blood there, when I saw his crooked smile, I just knew that I was blushing.

"This place is amazing, thank you so much for bringing me here. How did you ever find it?"

"Carlisle gave this island to Esme, they called it Isle Esme in honour of her. I wanted to spend our honeymoon being able to go out in the sunshine, in isolation of others. I'm glad you like it here."

He moved his fingers from my cheek down my chin, over my collarbone, down the length of my arm and then rested his hand on the small of my back. As he did this, he pulled me towards him which made the ocean between us part in waves so we could stand together. He pressed his body against mine and kissed my mouth. Just a soft kiss but it left me wanting more.

"Bella you look beautiful in the moonlight, your eyes are shining, drawing me in to your mind, I feel like I could see your soul if I stared long enough."

I kissed _him_ this time, not really knowing how to accept the compliment. His grip on my back tightened, which drew me closer to him. I put my arms around him and embraced the coolness as our skin touched. The air was silent around us, apart from the light crashing of the waves and the sound of our breathing getting heavier and my heart beating faster. He pulled me into him harder and I could feel the hardening against my pelvis. This had never happened before because he had always been so careful, so restrained. It excited me and my hips suddenly thrusted into him.

With such speed Edward pulled away from me and in just the blink of an eye he was standing on the beach with his head held low, his breathing heavy and quick. I waded through the water as fast as I could to get to him.

"Edward, what's wrong? Are you ok? Why did you, why did you leave me there?"

"Bella, I'm sorry, I can't. I know I promised you this once we were married, but I can't, I'm so afraid that I will hurt you."

"Edward you won't hurt me, I know it, you couldn't…"

"Bella, that's just it, I lose control when we get so close. Your skin, your hair, your scent, everything drives me crazy. Something happens to me and I feel like my body is being taken over. I never want to harm you, ever."

I wrapped my arms around him and held him.

"Edward, I love you, I know that you won't hurt me. You will know when to stop, you will know what your limit is."

I reached up and kissed his mouth, at first he barely returned the kiss but then his lips parted and his tongue met mine. His kiss was so passionate; it went against everything he had just said to me. He lifted me in his arms and then suddenly the beach was going past us in a whir and we were in the main bedroom of the house.

I ran my fingers through his hair as I kissed him back, rolling my tongue over and under his, opening and closing our mouths simultaneously. He moaned as he tilted his head backwards. This turned me on, to see him so vulnerable as if he were under some sort of spell. So as not to ruin the moment, I pushed against him and ran my finger nails down his back and back up again. I didn't want him to lose concentration on what we were doing, I didn't want him to come to his senses and stop.

For once he didn't want to stop either.

"Bella, I want you, I always have, are you sure you want to risk this, are you sure you trust me?"

My breath was heavy, my heart was racing. I just nodded in total submission.

His hands went under my top and lifted it over my head, my bra was wet from the ocean and my body was cool from the light breeze outside. He undid my bra as if he had done it a thousand times before, exposing my bare breasts. My nipples were hard, from the coolness of his touch but also from the seduction that was overtaking me.

"You are beautiful."

He slid his hands down my waist, over my thighs and under my knees and lifted me so my legs were wrapped around him. He carried me over to the bed and sat me on the edge of it so that I was facing him. He lent down and kissed my forehead, my nose, each cheek and then my lips. His tongue swept over each lip and then his kisses moved to my neck, my ear and my shoulder. I shivered with each one as it landed in all of the sensitive parts of my body.

I started undoing his shorts and tried to pull them down over his hips. He held my hands with his and stopped me. I looked up at him, pleading with him not to ruin the moment with his worry, I wanted him and nothing was going to stop this moment. Not even Edward.

He must have read my mind, because he moved with my hands as we pulled his shorts down his legs together. Leaving his whole body exposed in front of me, now I knew that he wanted me too.

He leaned forward and pushed our bodies up the bed so we could stretch our bodies out together. Pressed against him, his ice cold skin made me shiver. Realising this and with his strength, he manoeuvred us so that we were now lying underneath the blankets.

We lay side by side, pressed up against each other, I could feel _every_ part of his body against me. He swept his hand all the way down the side of my body, from my face to my hip bone. Then with barely any force he pulled my knickers down my legs, over my ankles and let them drop off the end of the bed.

The bed was fit for a princess, a beautiful king sized four poster bed swathed in white netting. The sheets felt like silk underneath my skin and suddenly I became warm under the blanket, even though I was pressed against his body. His hands were leaving goose bumps as they moved up and down my body. Then, making me gasp for air, his hands parted my thighs and his fingers touched my opening, running in circles where I was wet and warm and aching for more. My back arched and my hips moved back and forth as if mimicking the motion of his fingers on me.

As they slid inside of me he kissed me, moaning into my mouth. His body pushed up against me and I could feel the hardness of him on my skin. I pulled him on top of me, losing all inhibitions, wanting him more than ever. The force of his body writhing against mine as we kissed was wonderful.

Then suddenly he lifted his head and looked into my eyes as he slowly pushed into me and glided his hardness inside of me. I had never felt anything like it, the power he had over me in this moment was everything I wanted. The look in his eye was strong, but full of love, he was finally giving in.

He kissed my lips so softly as his body hovered over me, shifting forward and back in an enticing rhythm. He was so hard inside of me, wide and strong, touching places inside my body that I never knew existed. My back arched with pure pleasure and while he moved his kisses to my neck, I moaned, more loudly than I meant to.

_**Crack**_…

I opened my eyes and realised that Edward had flung himself off of me and he was against the wall on the other side of the room. There were cracks in the wall where his back had hit it with incredible force.

"Edward, what are you doing?"

He was furious, panting because he could barely catch his breath. His eyes were red with anger and he looked as though he could kill something, someone?

"Edward?"

"Bella, I'm, I'm sorry. Stay away from me, I told you this would happen. I'm so sorry, I cant believe I allowed myself to put you in danger like this."

"But nothing is wrong, you didn't hurt me."

"But you moaned, I thought you were in pain, I thought I had broken something?"

I slid down the bed and wrapped the silk sheet around my naked body. I sat for a moment, composing myself and then let out a heavy sigh. My poor Edward.

"You didn't hurt me, I wasn't moaning with pain, I moaned with pleasure. Edward, I enjoyed it."

Now I was blushing.

"So I didn't hurt you?"

He walked over to the bed and stood beside me. His eyes gazed over my body as if looking for evidence of the contrary.

"No, I'm perfectly fine. Well, I was, until you stopped."

"I'm so sorry, I heard you cry out and I immediately had to move away. I lost control of myself, I lost myself in that moment. Bella, you are so beautiful, your body was so warm against mine, for a moment I forgot what I am."

"What you are? Edward, you are not a monster, I love you, and I want you here, with me, inside of me, against me."

I touched his arm and ran my fingers downwards to intertwine them with his. I tugged slightly, motioning for him to sit beside me. When our eyes met, I leaned in and kissed him. He hesitated and pulled away.

"Edward please, I'm fine, nothing went wrong, everything was _right_!"

"Bella, it could go wrong, I can never lose control like that again."

"What if I want you to? I want you to allow yourself to lose control with me, I want you to enjoy yourself, immerse yourself in this moment with me."

He started to speak, but I didn't want to talk anymore. So I cut him off by placing my lips on his and sliding my tongue into his mouth. I could feel his hesitation, but as I twisted my tongue around his, he slowly began to relax and I could feel him kissing me back. I ran my fingers down his bare chest, made circles around his belly button and then slid my hand down to touch him there. Instantly he felt hard inside the palm of my hand. I gripped him and moved my hand up and down, slowly, teasing him slightly.

I let the silk sheet drop to my waist and then I lifted myself and stood before him, naked. My body was trembling, the adrenalin was rushing through me. I wanted him and needed to take charge so that this time he wouldn't escape me. I leant forward and kissed his mouth again, slowly lowering my body so that I was kneeling over him. I grabbed his hands and placed them on my waist above my hip bones. He looked up at me in surprise, I melted as he gazed at me, he was beautiful.

I lowered myself so that his hardness was just touching me where I was wet and waiting for him to be inside of me. I hovered there, teasing him. While I did this he moaned and threw his head backwards, rolling his eyes in delight. Then I allowed him to enter me, but only a little at first. I lowered my body and then lifted it, so slightly, as if I would allow him to enter me wholly but then exposed him instead.

His grip on my waist tightened, he didn't want me to tease him anymore. He looked at me and pulled me down onto him as he entered me as much as our bodies would physically allow. We both moaned in delight, thrusting into each other as we experienced pure lust for one another. We were finally one, it was everything I had ever wanted and more.

This night was the best night of my life with Edward. It was one of the memories I locked away that was just for me. Little did I know that it would be my saving grace as time went on and our relationship changed day by day, minute by minute, second by second.


	2. Chapter 2

**My Life**

**Chapter Two**

_My Tryst_

**BPOV**

Working for the Volturi was definitely a career path I didn't expect to take. In fact, although working seemed quite normal as a mere human, I never thought that as an immortal I would need, nor want to work. The gaping hole in my existence forced me to seek something more, something that could be mine and ultimately it lead me to Aro.

Aro was one of 3 leaders of the Volturi, Vampire Royalty who live in Volterra, Italy. They had always been intrigued by me and were part of the reason for my change. The second part was instigated by my longing for an eternity with Edward, but happened suddenly when I almost died after having Renesmee. I never expected it to be as painful as it was. The burning sensation that ripped through my veins after Edward broke through my skin with his Vampire teeth will haunt me always. It was my secret though, Edward never knew and never _will_ know the pain I experienced that day.

Opening my eyes for the first time after his poison overtook my body was like seeing things for the first time after being blinded all of your life. The sun shone brighter, air smelt cleaner, things tasted sweeter. I was in awe and I loved my new life, my strength and every part of my existence.

Eventually I became aware of the powers that came with my new immortal life; these will never cease to amaze me, and others who experience them, Aro especially. He was fascinated by my strength as a human, to be able to block out the powers of other Vampires who could read minds, predict the future or, in Jane's case, purposely inflict pain through a simple glare. Aro ordered for my transformation and when the Volturi came to Forks and found me there, as a newborn Vampire, Aro soon saw my new strength.

I could shield those around me from all Vampire powers, including myself. This was a very useful tool for Aro and he soon convinced me to join the Volturi. Of course I could never leave my family and Edward refused to move to Italy, so I worked as part of Vampire Royalty in Forks. When ever I saw a threat, or feared exposure to the human world, I would use my powers and report back to Aro.

Often Alec would travel to work with me when situations became particularly dangerous. Alec is Jane's twin brother; he has dark hair with blonde at the tips, his eyes were blood red most of the time, but sometimes when he had fed and was satisfied they changed to the colour of chocolate with caramel flowing through it. We formed a bond that was inexplicable when I met him in Italy whilst trying to stop Edward from exposing himself and being terminated by the Volturi. He never agreed with the things that Jane used to do; he was against torture and held disgust for those who murdered humans for no reason. I suppose that was what drew me to him, other than the physical attraction that was there under the surface.

Alec and I always worked alone; we enjoyed each others company and had high regard for one another. He was strong, physically and emotionally. We talked often, during the long hours that we spent together. We shared things that I hadn't shared with Edward, mostly because they were about him and how our relationship seemed to be failing. Alec understood me; he comforted me in such an honest way, without ever making me feel as though I was being unfaithful. After all, we were work colleagues, friends at the very most.

One Italian summer I was summoned to Volterra by Aro, a special assignment which meant that Edward and Renesmee were unable to travel with me like they usually would when ever I was asked to go to Italy. I would be working with Alec and it required us to travel away from Volterra and stay out of the sight of humans, easy to do, and I looked forward to seeing my friend.

We travelled in style, driving in a sleek jet black Mercedes with windows tarred with the darkest tint. Alec handled that car with such precision, I noticed him losing himself often while looking at the road ahead of us. He was so thoughtful, his face taught through pure concentration, with angles of perfection. It took all my strength not to reach over and touch him, while I got lost in the way he lost himself during our travels.

Finally we reached our destination, a quaint town in the middle of nowhere, with cobbled streets and buildings that were erected centuries ago. We were given instructions to check in at a hotel just on the outskirts of the town; there we would be given our assignment.

Alec parked the car and with one swift movement, he was at my door holding it open for me. He smiled, exposing his teeth that were the colour of the freshest pearls. I smiled back and rose out of the Mercedes. Concierge was there and immediately I realised that they were not human, my fame relaxed immediately upon realising the lack of threat.

We walked into the foyer, it was magnificent, and I couldn't help but think that I had the best job in the world.

"Wait here Bella."

Alec walked over to the desk, where two more immortals waited to serve us.

"_There seems to have been a mistake, I apologise but we only have our Deluxe Suite available, the reservation was not made for two separate rooms."_

I heard the staff explain that we were to share a bedroom for the night. I looked at Alec and nodded in approval, it would have to be fine, as much as I loved the car, I didn't feel like driving around anymore.

"I'm so sorry Bella, are you sure this is ok? Will Edward mind if we stay in the room together?"

"Its fine Alec, he trusts me and he knows that we are only here to work."

"Ok, let's go upstairs and get settled and find out what we are doing here."

He placed his palm so gently on the small of my back as he gestured for us to go to the lift. I flinched at his touch, I had never had such a reaction with him. I was used to being around Alec and definitely familiar with us being close because of the nature of our work. This seemed different somehow. I brushed it off and put it down to exhaustion from travel. Thankfully, he didn't seem to notice.

The air seemed dense in the lift and I became acutely aware of his presence. His scent was so alluring, I looked closer at him as I stood slightly behind him in that small space. His arms were strong and muscular under his business shirt. His legs were powerful and long inside of his pants. His hair was thick and had kinks in it, it sat perfectly on his collar, I imagined running my fingers through it.

A bell rang and the doors opened. I felt like I had been rudely awoken from a beautiful dream.

"This way Madam" The Concierge showed us to our room, opened the door for us and set down our bags on the stand against the wall. Alec hung back and appeared to offer the man a tip, I walked straight over to the window. I parted the curtains, they were so soft, like silk and were a bright white. The view was phenomenal, overlooking the entire town and out as far as the fields would go. It made me feel like I wanted to leap out of the window and just fly, cruise through the light breeze and be free, like a bird.

"Do you like the room Bella?" Alec asked as he sat down at the desk in the corner of the room.

"I hadn't noticed it, I was too busy staring out of the window. But yes, it's lovely."

The room was large, we had been led into the main living area of the suite, full of antique furniture, copies of the most famous paintings (how could they trust their guests with the originals?) and a carpet that felt like soft sponge as you walked along it.

"It's so quaint isn't it? Just like the town itself. I feel so at home here."

Alec breathed in and then let out a long sigh, unexpected.

"What's the matter?"

"Oh, nothing, sorry, I just feel so relaxed here, it's nice to be here with you, to see you again and in Italy instead of dreary Forks."

I'm sure that if I was still human, I would be blushing right now. I adored Alec, he was a dear friend and I was so thankful to be working with him and especially thankful that I didn't have to work with his sister Jane.

I walked through a doorway which led into the bedroom of the suite, it was even more beautiful than the lounge. The bed was large and covered in a snow white quilt, I loved hotel linen, it was always so clean and crisp. I did all I could to stop myself from jumping on the bed and sprawling my body out on top of it. I smiled at the thought.

There was an ensuite attached to the bedroom, marble from top to bottom. A large spa in the corner was also very inviting. What a room. This should be booked for a romantic night away, not for work. Such a waste, or so I thought.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you were standing there."

I had turned and walked out of the bathroom and walked straight into Alec. My hands had automatically shot out in front of me and had landed on his chest, it was rock hard and I could feel the shapes of his muscles beneath his shirt. I left them there for too long, realising, I looked up at him and dropped them to my side.

"That's ok. Are you alright, you seem, nervous?"

"I'm fine, I just didn't realise you were there, sorry for walking into you."

Alec let out a light chuckle, he looked so happy and relaxed, different.

I felt so embarrassed, was he laughing at me, actually, I felt a surge of anger shoot through me.

"Don't laugh at me, it was an accident, let me past."

He put his hands on my shoulders and stopped me, looking at me he said "Bella, what's wrong, I wasn't laughing _at_ you, I would never intentionally upset or hurt you."

Feeling a little brash and slightly annoyed at my outburst, I moved away and went back into the living room and stood by the window.

Alec put his hands on my shoulders and turned me to face him.

"Are you ok? Shall we relax and have a drink before we get to work?"

"Sure." I said as I moved and sat down in one of the regal arm chairs.

Alec turned on the stereo and plugged in his iPod, Muse, my favourite. He poured our drinks and brought them over and sat in the chair beside mine. The first sip was like heaven, it was exactly what I needed, strong, cold and alcoholic.

We both seemed to let out a slight 'ahhh' after the first sip, we laughed, together this time. As the music played we continued drinking, I could feel my body become loose with each refill of my glass. We laughed together, talked about what we had been doing whilst we were apart, I told him again of my unhappiness of my life in Forks with Edward. Alec knew that I loved Edward, of course I did, but he also knew of my disappointment with the years of marriage, the years of the evolving routine that we now seemed to exist in, every day and every night.

Every now and then I caught myself staring into his eyes, wondering what he was thinking. I wondered if he had the same tension pulsing through his body as I did, did he imagine himself leaning into me like I wanted him to. Did he look at my lips like I looked at his, yearning to kiss them with his own?

Why was I thinking these things? I was working, well we were supposed to be, I had a husband at home being faithful to me and a daughter that loved and trusted me to keep our family in tact. There was something here in this room though. Alec made me feel alive, even without touching me he made me feel as though he wanted me, that he thought I was beautiful, thoughtful and interesting. I felt valuable again.

"Bella, I know I shouldn't say this, but I feel like if I don't I will regret it always."

I couldn't answer.

"I feel unhappiness in my marriage also, I love my wife but she doesn't fulfil me the way I need. I have desires, deep desires that have me thinking of you often. I know we couldn't be together and I don't want to leave my life at all as I know you don't want to leave yours. But sometimes don't you feel as though you deserve to fill the gap that exists in your days? Its only one part of our lives, we don't need to tell anyone, it can be our secret that we keep hidden away and only let out when we need to be reminded of who we are."

I couldn't believe he was saying this, not because I was upset by it, but because it was as though he had read my mind. I did love Edward, but this feeling that I had with Alec was never evident in my life with Edward. Was it unfair to have it fulfilled by someone else? Surely you can't spend your life living with voids that can easily be filled without the other person knowing, without ever causing any harm?

It seemed so simple.

"Bella?"

"Alec, I will never leave Edward and Renesmee, they are my life, and I wouldn't be able to breathe without them."

"I know, but I know how lonely you are sometimes, as I am."

He leaned in towards me, I felt the thickness of the air in the room again and my breathing suddenly became heavy. Those thoughts that I was having earlier were coming to life, he _was_ thinking what I was thinking and it made me feel as alive as I thought it would.

I closed my eyes, not quite sure what to do and hoping that Alec would show me. As much as I wanted this, I didn't want to be the instigator, part of my yearning was to be wanted, to be needed and I needed Alec to need me.

There was warmth on my neck, just below my ear, and then a soft breath released against my skin there.

He whispered, "Bella, you are beautiful, I want you, do you want me? Do you want this?"

Oh my god, yes I did, but should I?

I twisted my head and kissed his lips, showing him my answer rather than speaking the words.

He took my drink out of my hand and put it down on the table in front of us, with this empty moment I noticed the song that was playing, Undisclosed Desires, fitting I thought. It was a sexy song and amped up the already hot temperature of the room.

When he turned back to me, he lowered himself to the floor and knelt in front of me. His hands softly moved up my legs from my ankles, over my calves, around my knees, on the outside of my thighs, up my skirt and then back down again – but with my stockings in tow. Just the touch of him made me quiver, I wanted this, I had for awhile now without realising what the feeling was that was brewing inside of me.

Now it was happening and there was no way I was going to stop it.

He kissed my knee and then with his hands he pushed on my thighs parting them, I could feel the heat radiating out of me. He moved his mouth and kissed the inside of my thigh, in that instance I knew I was wet, I could feel the moisture inside my underwear.

He lifted his body slightly and unbuttoned my blouse, opening it from the middle and sliding it off my body and down my arms. Then he slid his hands under his own shirt and not bothering to undo his buttons, he lifted it over his head and dropped it on the floor beside us. He had a fine body, muscles that I had always imagined to exist under his clothes. I just wanted to touch him, so I did. I traced lines down his chest with my finger nails, over his nipples, down his stomach and back up again. He loved it and it felt so good to make him feel good. In that instance, I realised that this was what I needed, this was what Edward and I had lost.

I needed someone to want me, sexually, have a desire for me to be close to them and do things to them that I imagined, things that a wife shouldn't do.

This was finally happening.

I kissed his chest until I could feel his fingers under my chin, lifting it to look at him. Then he kissed me, with such passion, lust and longing. I never wanted the kiss the end.

He put his hand in mine, stood up and pulled me to the desk in the corner. In one brisk movement everything that resided on that desk was now in a mess on the floor. He put his hands on my waist and effortlessly lifted me onto the desk. He spread my legs with force, moved his body into mine and kissed me again. He moaned into my mouth as he pushed his hips into me. I pulled my skirt up around my waist to stop it from restricting me, he put his hands there and slid my underwear down my legs to the floor. In a hurry I undid the button on his pants, he saved me from having to get off the desk and pulled them off himself.

He was naked before me, he was gorgeous, sexy and he wanted _me_.

He pushed himself against me, I could feel him hard and throbbing against me where I was wet and needing him. I couldn't help it, but the angst I was feeling for Alec brought me out of myself and I kept scratching his skin on his chest, on his back, in his hair. I was in pure lust, I wanted him now.

I placed one of his hands down under my skirt gesturing for him to touch me there, I would never be this forceful with Edward, and he just wasn't like that. Immediately Alec picked up on what I wanted and began flicking his fingers against me making me moan and thrust into him.

"I want your fingers inside of me."

Oh my god, was that me? Did I just say that?

He didn't even ask, he slid one, then two of his fingers inside of my opening. Moving them around inside of me causing a reaction from my body that had been locked away for so long. I couldn't take it anymore, his fingers were good, but I wanted his hardness inside me, all the way inside of me.

I touched him there, gripping him in my hand. I moved his hand away from my wetness and placed the tip of him against me, sliding it around in circles and then slowly letting it enter me and then moving it away again. He was writhing against me, I was giving him pleasure and it felt like there were no boundaries, we were both just giving each other what we couldn't get at home. Nothing more, nothing, just pure pleasure.

He slapped my hand away and pushed himself inside of me, hard. I gripped him around his shoulders hard, digging my nails in and pushing him backwards and forwards, mimicking the motions of his hips as they glided him in and out of me. He moved fast and hard and it felt good. It was animal instinct, never violent, but definitely not routine.

We did this all night, laughing, touching and often just laying next to each other. We had so much in common, we were friends, now we were friends with benefits.

It has been a year since that trip away with Alec, we email each other and talk about what we did that night. He still makes me feel good and has given me that excitement that was lost from my life for so long. Edward would never find out, we were very careful. We don't want to hurt the people in our lives, we just needed to fill a void and that's what we did for each other.

Trysts with Alec were enjoyable, but lately I had begun to feel guilt that sat in the pit of my stomach. Every time Edward told me he loved me I felt a pain for him, for what I was doing. I want to keep Alec for myself, I want those feelings of pleasure that he gives me, that I don't get from Edward. But can I keep doing this, how long can Alec and I keep our affair a secret? Telling Edward would only make him feel terrible and there is no guarantee that it would release the waves of guilt that often rushed through me.

I will try to end things with Alec, this thought brings me sadness but I know it's the only thing to do.


	3. Chapter 3

**My Life**

_**Interlude**_

**BPOV**

Many times I have wanted to tell Edward, but have heard the voice of reason over and over in my head. What would it do but give him pain? It would leave me stranded, he would try to take Renesmee away from me and in doing that, he would end my life. I would have no reason for living.

I would not tell Edward.

Alec and I continued to see each other and work with one another. In between our meetings, we emailed, there were filled with notions of desire, suggestions of what we would like to do to one another and always arrangements for how we could get away together again.

Sometimes when we met, it began to feel as though there were no more emotions. I know that Edward provided me with plenty of love and affection, but I felt as though Alec owed it to me too. I was no prostitute; yes I wanted him, his body, his sex, and his hands all over me. But our meetings were becoming shorter and shorter, full of only me satisfying him or us having sex, but I never seemed to feel satisfied anymore.

I wasn't feeling the desire for him that I used to and I was pretty sure that he was losing the longing for me that he used to have as well.

I couldn't believe it, it was becoming routine.

I continued to make arrangements to see Alec, but with increasing regularity I would make up an excuse to cancel them. Not only was I lying to Edward, I was now lying to Alec.

The waves began again, waves of emotion, waves of questioning. What was I doing? Did I still want to see Alec? Did I still want him the way I had for the last year? Was it worth it for the risk that it posed to my marriage with Edward?

I was literally on a roller coaster, I hated what my life had become.

One evening while emailing Alec, pretending to be full of lust and longing to see him again, making plans that I knew I would eventually break, a message popped up on my screen from Jacob.

Oh Jacob… my best friend.

"Bella, how are you? What are you up to online?"

"Jacob, I'm well thanks, how are you? Where are you, what have you been doing?" I intentionally avoided his question about what I was doing online.

"I'm back in La Push, it feels great to be home. I miss you, when can we catch up?"

I wonder what Jake will think of what I have been doing with Alec? There is no way he would approve, apart from the fact that he used to have feelings for me and would wonder how I could go for another Vampire like Alec, he would be against cheating in principal.

"Jake, I would love to see you? How about tomorrow night, can you meet me at La Push beach at sunset?"

"Sure, see you then. Sweet dreams… oh wait, I just remembered, you can't dream because you don't sleep, ugh. See ya tomorrow Bella."

Before I could reply I saw that he was offline.

Something was stirring in me, I couldn't wait to see him, to see his beautiful face. Have his huge, warm body wrapped around mine.

Suddenly thoughts of Alec had disappeared from my mind.

It was now full of Jacob.

What is wrong with me?


End file.
